The ballad of me and my brain

It’s officialy over.

Why do i have this feeling that you’re drifting away. From me. Nag-ooverthink nanaman ba ko ulit? 6 days na tayong di masyadong nag-uusap. Kung di pa namatay tita mo baka di mo na ko kausapin. Ganun ka ba kabusy? Wala kang oras to check on me? After what we did. Wala na rin ba tayo? Pagkatapos kong sumugal ulit. Eto na ulit. Sabi mo I’m not losing you pero bat ganon. Parang wala ka na ulit sakin? Reading my previous blogs, makes my heart ache. Mahal, ano na. Wala na ba talaga? Bat parang ako na yung naghahabol………………………………… Narealize mo na ba? Hindi ka na ba sigurado? Mahal, sabihin mo na. Please.

April 17, went out on a date again. Pigged out. And did it. NOT MUCH MORE INFORMATION BEC hHAHAHA

I always wear the ring when I am not with you. Nakalimutan ko lang hubarin nung Monday. Haha. Are you surprised because I’m wearing it? I should’ve asked you that. I loved it when you’re playing with it. I loved it when you say no when I’m asking you to remove it and keep it. I really hope everything turns to be okay. Me. Ystelle. Your family. Us. 

He’s here. And it’s been a week since he came back. Let’s do a recap.

March 30, Thursday, he arrived in PH. Ininform naman nya ko na he’s here and he’s home so okay lang I know he’ll be busy kasi kakauwi nya lang. I gave time fo his family because as always, family comes first. 

April 1, Saturday, we didn’t talked that much. That was the last time we talked, more on later.

April 2, Sunday, decided to go out with my friends and ditch “family day” because i’m so stressed with my overthinking, and having a pms so you know the works. Wished on not seeing him turns out he’ll be there on the place we will go. Di kami nagpansinan because what the hell naman diba. Too awkward. I went out because I wanted to talk about him with my friends tapos andun sya. But pinag-usapan pa rin namin sya regardless. 

Baka pangpalipas oras nya lang ako.

Maybe he’s bored kaya kinausap nya ko ulit or kaya sya bumalik

Maybe hindi lang ako.

Maybe hindi naman nya talaga ako kakausapin. 

The list is endless for the reason na naisip ko kung bakit sya bumalik, puro negative diba?

April 3-6 IDK when pero chinat ko na sya na kung di naman kami mag uusap, sabihin na nya bec ayoko na maghintay.

April 6, Thursday, He messaged me and asked for my number. And decided to meet the following day.

April 7, Friday, after 20 months, nagkita na ulit kami. I am expecting na it will be so awkward and silent and whatever like sa movies na ganun na sobrang shy. It was awkward but not the whole time. Yung hihilahin nya ko pero di nya mahawakan kamay ko kaya sa wrist nya hinahawakan. Daming tao sa Robinsons so sa SM Pampanga kami pumunta. Habang naghihintay kami nung bus, andun na yung he’s wrapping his arm on my waist. Playing with my fingers. NOT holding it like a holding hands way. IDK how it happened it just happened. Walang nagbago. Parang us, 20 months ago. IDK if its a good thing or not. Well. Uhm. di ko alam kung pano kami naghold hands. it just happened. parang ganito(picture below). 

May stages Hahaha. I don’t know how it happened I just found my self clasping his hands. Feeling his palm as he presses it hard. It was like holding again into something that you miss. I wore long sleeves that day so inaalis nya pag may bumaba yung damit. Haha. And then, it just turn into a proper holding hands. He’s holding into it hard. I don’t want to forget that moment. I’ll cherish it. Forever. He never let go of my hand until makahanap kami ng place to eat. Held hands again after we ate. Sa J.Co kami nagkaroon ng proper na usapan.

Nahirapan daw sya sa sitwasyon ng pamilya nya. He made a choice between me and his family. He wanted to be alone that time. Hindi nya lang sinabi sakin. I wished sinabi nya sakin. Hindi sa naging ganito. Sabi nya wala raw iba habang kami. Nagkagirlfriend sya nung nakauwi na sya. Hindi raw yon seryoso. Sakin lang sya nagseryoso.

Bumalik sya kasi nagbakasakaling may babalikan pa sya. He wants me back. He wants us back. Dahil kahit daw ang tagal na, kahit na nagkagirlfriend sya, iba pa rin daw yung sakin. Hinahanap hanap nya raw yung presensya ko. Espesyal pa rin daw ako sakanya. Hindi nawala. Hindi nagbago. 10 months bago nya ko kinausap ulit, dahil natatakot daw syang wala na syang balikan. Nahihiya raw sya. Wala raw syang lakas ng loob. 

I told him hindi naman ganun kadali yon. I have my issues about assurance, assurance na hindi nya ko iiwan pag nagkaproblema sya sa pamilya nya. Assurance na matanggap ako ng pamilya, ako at si Sofia. Marami pa. Ayokong madaliin to. Ayokong madaliin katulad ng dati. 

Nagkagalit pa kami ni Aron because i’m considering na makipagbalikan. I am considering pero i’m not 100% sure kasi nga i have issues. 

He asked me kung ano kami ngayon. Ayoko munang lagyan ng label. Maybe its better that way muna. We do the things that we used to do, holding hands, kiss on the cheeks, hugs(half hugs) because our feelings are mutual. Pero commitment, maybe with we do pero with reservations.

He wants me to buy a lot of things but, i told him, he doesn’t have the right, yet. :)

April 10, we went to SM North/Trinoma. BINILI NYA KO NG BOOK OMG I AM SO HAPPY. Hihihi. And i got the chance to choose clothes for him:)

And he wanted to “do” it pero i told him he doesn’t have the right and take it slow. (also, i feel i should abstain that because i dreamed about getting pregnant. which is we both don’t need as of the moment.)

And, he told me he loves me. Twice. First is when he told me he’ll buy me a kitchen aid mixer and i refused because ang mahal. He said, “walang mahal mahal para sa taong mahal mo.” It was sweet but the money, omg. 

the second one is I Love You. He’s happy because i am with him again. Na parang walang nagbago. I joked about he’s just telling me that para pumayag ako and yun ba yung reason kung bakit sya bumalik Hahaha. 

I asked him kung dumating yung araw na ready na ko. Mababago ba yung date na naging kami. Month lang daw sabi nya. Sabi ko pano kung gusto ko December, maghihintay sya. He’s waiting to wait. Ako raw ang masusunod:)

Mahigit isang taon akong nagpanggap na okay lang ako. 

Isang taon ko binaliwala lahat ng sakit ng nararamdaman ko.

Isang taon ako hindi umiyak para taong nawala at bumalik.

Bumalik - bakit nga ba bumalik?

the last two posts are late post

Its been a while since my last post- there’s a draft post actually for the anniversary blog that i cant finish haha. So please. I am once again let my heart do the talking. Please hear me out.

I am so confused for my feelings. I know deep in my heart I still feel the same. The feelings came back. I dont know what to do.

We had a good christmas eve. I’m so happy I can’t explain it. But we had a rough christmas day. At first it was very good but it shifted so bad. I just controlled my emotion not to cry. He hits me. Hindi mo kasi alam sitwasyon ko dito. That really made me sad. It made me feel outsider. Like you don’t belong.

Three years. 

Three years na sana tayo ngayon. If I let my heart let do the talking, this  will be my message to you.

Dearest Bellamy,

Just thinking of writing an anniversary message to you is making me cry. What more kung sinusulat ko na diba? But I know, a little tear is all I need after this day. I know, I will look really stupid writing this but, alam kong hindi mo to mababasa, but still, I want you to know what my heart wanted to say. 

Today marks our third year anniversary. Should have been third year anniversary. I can’t believe that after a year, I can still write you a message, kahit na hindi na tayo, maybe you’ll remember na I’ll never get tired of writing for you. Mahal, I can’t believe that after a year I still feel the same. Kala ko sa isang taong nakalipas nakapagmove-on na ko sayo. Naging malakas ako. Naging matatag. Pero alam ko sa sarili ko, na kapagnakausap o nakita kita, hindi ko alam kung ano magiging reaksyon ko. Mahina pa rin pala ako pagdating sayo. Wait, tinawag kitang mahal! Simula nung nagkausap tayo nung birthday mo, minsan natatawag kitang mahal pero binubura ko lang. Sobrang nakakamiss pala. Simula nung birthday mo, parang shit bahala na. Bahala na kung masaktan. Hindi na ko nag-isip. Go with the flow nalang ako.